Mommy Guilt

According to dictionary.com, guilt is "a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined." The imagined part is what gets me. I think just about all moms understand the concept of "mommy guilt." It's agonizing over so many decisions that affect your child and your family, and it often strikes on the smallest of details because you want to make sure you are doing everything just right for your family. Should I let them eat that? Is this the right kindergarten to consider? Should she wear the pink shirt or yellow shirt today? Moms are often pulled in a million different directions at the same time, so we're constantly making judgement calls on what the best decision is. I am so lucky to have lots of friends who are in the same boat because we all have young kids; it's nice to know you're not alone in what you feel.

Work is what typically causes my guilt to come out. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love owning my own CPA company, and I honestly think if I won the lottery some day, I would continue to run it (with a few tweaks). I love helping people navigate their way through our complex tax code though I'm not a fan of the code itself. I am proud of the fact that I worked hard to earn the CPA designation, and I get to use it doing something I enjoy. Being a full-time stay-at-home parent is by far the hardest job imaginable; I had a taste of it for the first two years of Lily's life, and I know it would be a hundred times more difficult with having Mia there too. I have a lot of respect for the parents who do stay at home because I don't think I have it in me to do this. By being my own boss though, I have a very flexible schedule allowing me to play with the girls during the day and take them to the doctor or on "field trips." During most of the year, I can just decide I don't want to go work because I want to hang out with the family; I don't have to call that in to my boss. However, for about 12 weeks out of the year, I have to deal with tax season and this is when mommy guilt strikes. I'm in the midst of it right now, and it's hard. I am able to play with both girls for a little bit before I leave for work in the morning which is nice. I try really hard to be home between 5:30 and 6 during the week so I can cook dinner and play with them again before bed time. If I have to return to work after they go to bed, so be it.

Last night though broke my heart. I knew I needed to work late to catch up on some things, so I talked to Ryan. He and the girls came to pick me up and we went to Chick-fil-a for dinner. We had a lot of fun talking and being together. I love time with my family! We were gone for about an hour. When they dropped me back off at my office, I turned around, looked at Mia and said "Night-night Mia. I love you! I'll see you in the morning." She gave me a big smile and blew me a kiss which in turn melted my heart in the freezing cold. Then I looked at Lily who immediately started this conversation:

L: You going back to work Mommy?
M: Yes, baby. I need to go back to work for a little while longer.
L: But you're not supposed to go back to work!
M: I know sweetheart, but sometimes I just have to.
Lily is staring me down.
M: I love you Lily. I'll see you in the morning, okay?
Lily tightly closes her eyes, puts her thumb in her mouth, shakes her head back and forth while saying "uh-uh."

Sigh. It's not that I wanted to go back to work at night, but sometimes we have to things we don't want to do. I think it's difficult for Lily because I don't do this very often; if this were "normal" for us, I don't think she would have made that comment. I know in the long run that Lily won't remember this evening which is a little bit comforting. Most of the time I feel like I'm a pretty good mom, but events like this bring the mommy guilt on hard.